Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
