Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
