Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so let's talk penis.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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