He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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