Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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