I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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