You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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