well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
