I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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