The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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