My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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