Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
