I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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