i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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