so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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