one two three fourrrrnication!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
