He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Will you blow on my dice?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
