one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
