i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
