Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
