she woke up with a sticky ear
My brain says no but my pants say off.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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