My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize