You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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