Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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