Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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