Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
fuck your aforementioned shoe
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize