I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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