Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I looked at my own cervix.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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