do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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