i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
