Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize