How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
