I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
