I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
