Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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