i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
