Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
