He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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