I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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