i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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