8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Randomize