who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
