Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
