I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
