apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
