You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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