Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
