i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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