Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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