Already got asked if we're dating
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
