How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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