Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I don't deserve a penis
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
