my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
