If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
