; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
