BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
