I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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