my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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