I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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