The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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