and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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