Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
