I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
