who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Randomize
