Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
