that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
