I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
